I Release, I Let Go (and Then I Replace It With Something Else)

For the last Sunday of 2009, my minister at Creative Living Fellowship had the most wonderful, transformational service. I recommend that, at the end of 2009, you commit to releasing behavior of your own that you are better off without, and replacing it with one that could transform your life for 2010. I can already feel this service transforming my own life.

The behavior I chose to release is my “quickness to anger.” To replace it, I chose “peace.” Since you cannot experience the service I just experienced, I will improvise here a bit. There is no reason to think that you can’t do this ceremony on your own.

First, meditate on the behavior that you are better off without. If you can’t think of a behavior, then maybe there is an attitude you want to change. I would use some meditative music to help me through this process (I have been listening to meditative music to help me remember my new behavior). For some of you, the behavior you need to release will already be at the forefront of your thoughts. If you find difficulty in deciding from a collection of behaviors you would like to change (Remember, baby steps here – Rome wasn’t built in a day), then the first one you thought of is probably the best one to use.

Now, hold onto that paper for a few moments, you will need it.

Next, as some of you know, everything we do works in a vacuum. When you stop doing something, you need to replace it with something else, otherwise whatever you were doing before will reappear. You need something to replace it. For example, when I stopped playing poker, I needed to have something to fill my time. For a while, it was this very blog. I just wrote and wrote and wrote. It certainly felt a lot better than the way I was used to feeling at the end of 95% of my poker sessions. It had been my intention to write this blog more frequently than I have been. But, I have had my human ups and downs! I have decided not to beat myself up for not posting every day. There is no doubt that I will continue posting, I just can’t promise consistency.

But I digress…

It is important to have something to replace the behavior you are releasing, or it will return. For me, it was pretty easy to come up with what would replace my “quickness to anger.” “Peace” was such an obvious choice because, in many ways, peace is the polar opposite of anger.

When you have decided on the behavior you are going to release, write it down on a small piece of paper. Bless it for it’s presence in your life. Think about it, despite the fact that it is something you want to release, it still served a purpose in your life – if only to make you realize that there is a better way. Then get a lighter or a match, and go outside (please go outside!), and watch it burn. The mere act of watching it burn is important, you want to see it disappear. It is actually quite meditative to watch it disappear. Bless it’s disappearance.

Now, I wish I could tell you that my “quickness to anger” (especially when I am behind the steering wheel) completely disappeared. It didn’t. However, I was forced to be more aware of it because of this activity.

This reminds me of something that I do as a teacher when I am teaching a lesson. One thing that I do to make sure that my students are understanding is Monitor and Adjust. First, I teach the lesson, then I monitor their progress, if they are not progressing, then I make adjustments as needed to make sure they get it the next time. You and I need to do the same thing when we are releasing one behavior and replacing it with another – monitor and adjust.

Don’t get upset with yourself if you feel the released behavior creeping back. Thank it, and re-release it – then replace it with the behavior that you wish to have. If you start to monitor and adjust right away, you will begin to catch yourself when you feel the old behavior coming back. Soon, you will get better and better at monitoring yourself.

It might seem tempting to just say that you are going to do all of this without going through any kind of ritual. I highly advise against that. It is the ritual itself which cements the idea into your mind. You need a way to make the idea stick. Just saying it once and throwing your paper in the garbage just doesn’t have the same effect. BURN IT!

Meditate on your new behavior daily – even if for a few minutes. It can only become a part of your new self if you are making the effort to practice it.

I am not talking about a lot of work here, it is not a lot. In fact, it is very little. When you are monitoring yourself – noticing when you are acting on your released behavior, you can acknowledge it’s presence, honor it, and re-release it. Make sure you are adjusting. Think about how you will act next time the same situation comes up.

For example, when I got upset at someone cutting me off in traffic this morning, I instantly recognized my behavior as the one I had released. I thought about how I reacted. I thought about how I could better react the next time this happened. When something else happened in traffic that I didn’t like, I took two deep breaths, focused on how I really wanted to feel, and started focusing on that. I tell you, it feels a lot better than being mad! Seriously, who cares if someone cuts me off. Is my getting angry going to change the way the person who cut me off behaves? If it does, it would probably be for the worst. Does this planet really need that?

I think not.

Namaste