First Meeting With “Real Love” by Greg Baer M.D.

When I was playing poker, I used to joke that, “Poker is my wife… I mean my life.” Little did I realize the truth I spoke. Have you ever heard the term, “I trade you very much?” as opposed to “I love you very much?” I don’t know if he is the originator of the term, but I think the first time I heard it was from Greg Baer’s book “Real Love.” Admittedly, I have never finished the book, but after attending my first Real Love meeting, I have moved it to the top of my reading list. I have moved more than 15 times since 2000, so I have basically stopped unpacking my boxes (I know I am all over the place in this first paragraph – it will all come together!). After I got back from my meeting, I looked at the stack of boxes I have in the garage of the home where I rent a room. I knew that somewhere in those boxes, I would find the book I’d started, but never finished. I spotted a box that I knew had some of my books and opened it. “Real Love” was right on top! It was like it knew I was going to be needing it.

“Imitation love.” I realized that this is the kind of relationship I was having with poker. Since I couldn’t get love through human interaction (outside of my blood relatives), I replaced it with something that felt very satisfying to me when I first started playing – poker. In fact, it was so satisfying, I completely eliminated many other relationships I was having at the time. Friends, dating, church, God. And I severely limited my other relationships – mainly with family. Why? Because poker had become such a satisfying relationship for me that I didn’t think I needed anything else. Well, then my hot streak took a nose dive into the nether world and all I could do was cling to any hope of satisfying my imitation love that I might find. I was certain that I could get poker to fall back in love with me, but I just wasn’t able to get the “relationship” back to where it once had been.

It is only after having been away from the addiction for three months or so, and attending this “Real Love” meeting that I realize that my poker playing was a classic case of imitation love. I can see how that might seem a bit ridiculous to some people, but it had all the hallmarks of an unhealthy imitation love relationship. I was literally drowning in my own attempts to salvage the relationship that even I had difficulty seeing it. I refused to believe that I was addicted – after all, I was still “a winning player.” But winning doesn’t mean anything when you are in an unhealthy relationship – eventually, you will start drowning.

As it was, I was drowning in the relationship which precipitated my addiction to gambling. Unable to find satisfaction in a love relationship, I turned to something that served as my “high.” Finding it supremely more satisfying, I just continued to do it – in other blog posts, I discuss how it led to my eventually personal destruction. Fortunately, it also appears to be leading me in the direction of a rebirth now – I hope.

I have to say that the most surprising thing to me about the people I met in my Real Love group today was how astonishingly normal they were. I felt a genuine compassion in the room. It was almost, I hate to say it, eiree in a “too good to be true way.” I say I hate to say it, because when something seems too good to be true, it usually turns out to be. But, I have a feeling about this. I have a feeling this will be different.

Time will tell.

Now, off to finish reading Real Love.

Oh, one last thing. It struck me that “Real Love” wasn’t just about love relationships, it was about all relationships. As I watched the DVD that was presented, I realized that I need to be more cognizant of how I am showing up in ALL of my relationships and avoid having “I trade you very much” relations with others.

Namaste